To the One Who Tried to End it All,
Today is World Suicide Prevention Day, and I chose this day to tell you something that I wish I’d told you sooner.
You are my hero.
I can’t recall a lot of this year, but I remember with clarity when you weighed close to nothing. When you stopped eating because food not only tasted awful, but it made you feel sick to consume – no matter what it was. I remember when you purposefully stopped drinking fluids so you wouldn’t have to get out of bed to go to the bathroom. I remember the night when your body gave up and you were a vegetable, suddenly being rushed to hospital because you couldn’t move, or talk, or even swallow. All you could do was cry, and even that you couldn’t control. I remember how scared you were.
I remember how you felt like you were a burden on anyone, but simultaneously felt like you’d abandoned everyone. How when you could be convinced to leave the house, you thought you were pointless and just made people uncomfortable. I remember how you couldn’t see that they were just trying to show you their love – it just wasn’t in your language.
And oh, the apathy! I remember that as clearly as I remember my sister’s smile. Never did I know of such a monster as apathy. Every day, never letting up, never giving in. I remember apathy being the most dangerous of all the things I remember – it nearly took your life when you were only fourteen.
I can see clearly the day you cried, too. The day you really cried. You suddenly felt everything bubble to the surface and it exploded like a volcano, overflowing with all the toxicity you pent up; the abuse, the neglect, the insecurities and self loathing. The anger and regret and pain and unjustness of life. It all came pouring out, and suddenly – apathy was gone, but it was replaced with rage.
I remember the pain you felt. But I also remember that the last flicker of hope that remained inside of you suddenly flared up, and it told you that at least anger was something – something more than apathy – even a kind of strength. And then, I remember you started to heal.
I know how much you love Arthurian legend. But did you know that I never saw you as Guinevere? No – I always saw you as a knight - as Arthur; the warrior. You’ve been fighting your entire life. Battle, after battle, after battle, and that is enough to make anyone tired.
What I remember most though, is that I never said thank you for fighting. That I never told you that you are my hero – the bravest person I’ll ever know. So, I’m writing this to you, so you know - I’ll remember to never forget that again.
